Oh, How He Loves Us

This whole journey to a real relationship with God that I have found myself on recently started with a random trip to the Hope Spoken conference a few months ago. I wrote a little about how I ended up there and my thoughts on it, but I'm not totally sure if I really wrote about my experience there. It is what changed everything for me. I saw a different side of what Christianity could be, how supportive Christian women could be, and the atmosphere was just amazing. I mean, it was beautiful outwardly, but the feeling throughout the entire conference was just so pure and comforting and welcoming, so many things that at that point I certainly did not relate with Christianity or God.

But even as amazing as it was, I still didn't feel it deep down in my soul the way I knew I could. Or should. I loved it so much, but I wasn't feeling that deep God connection that I had felt years and years ago when I was in that place, and on the last morning I was feeling a little let down at that. I thought, maybe it's just been so long that I can't get there? Maybe it's just not for me anymore? There was a time of praise and worship that last morning before the conference ended, and I was sitting at a table by myself, listening to all of these worship songs that I had never heard obviously, because I had been incredibly anti-Christian music for a solid 12 years. Some of them I really liked, and I would make note in my phone to download them. But none of them were touching me deeply.

And then finally, very close to the end, it happened. And I broke. And I cried. And cried. And all I could think was, God, I am so sorry. I am so incredibly sorry. Because the song that finally touched me and let me feel his presence was the song Oh How He Loves Us. And until that moment, I don't think I had ever truly thought about the fact that God actually loved me. And the fact that I had completely turned away from him for over a decade. Obviously as a mama, I thought about how I would feel if my boys walked away from me, wouldn't speak to me, said they didn't need me, didn't want me, didn't miss me - for 12 years. It broke my heart, just the thought. And I did that, I did that to God. Who loves me more than I can even imagine loving anyone or anything.

It blows my mind. All of it. I'm a super logical person who needs to understand things to believe them, I'm a researcher, I like to know the details about things. So it's been easy for me to just not totally believe for all these years. My thing was always, well, IF there's a God....because who can really truly prove to me that there is? 

But then, you feel it. For me, it's hard. It's super hard for me to feel that love, and I'm not sure why. But now that I'm a mama, I can understand it. I can feel it in that way, as a mother loves her child, God loves me. Really? Yes. Really. Once you've felt it, I think you always have a longing for it. Once you've felt the true love of God, there's always a yearning to get back to that place, to experience it again. And it's hard. I'm hoping that's something that will change as I continue down this path, that I don't have to try so hard, to seek so hard, before feeling it deep within. Because I know it's there, surrounding me all the time. It's something in me that's blocking it. And I'm working on identifying that and breaking that down.

Still, the times when I start to feel that stirring in my spirit - which if you've experienced it you know exactly what I'm talking about - seem to always be when I'm listening to music that is focused on God's love for us. For me. Another song that seems to move me every time is Broken Vessels. I keep saying I feel blocked in some ways when it comes to going deeper in my relationship with God, and I think it's because I'm not totally able to accept and feel that love for some reason. So that's where my focus is. And what's working for me is finding some quiet time (which is so hard to come by in this season of my life) and listening to the songs that sing of God's love.

I sometimes feel ridiculous asking questions at the end of a post, because I've been away from this blog for so long that there's a chance no one is reading - but I'm genuinely curious. If you're a believer, is feeling love from God a struggle for you? Or does it seem to just happen organically? If it is a struggle, how have you worked through it? I would love to hear about other people's experiences.