Waiting

In my life right now, it seems like messages keep getting almost thrown in my face, over and over, until I'm like "Okay God, I get it...THIS is what I need to hear right now". It's really been a kind of crazy and amazing time, and I feel like I'm learning a lot and my eyes are being opened to new ways of thinking all the time. 

When I first started this whole pursuing God thing a couple of months ago, it was like I was on a rocket ship that launched and crazy things were happening almost every day. I was making connections, I was learning things - it really felt like something almost amazing happened every single day. And then, it slowed down. I started getting busy, I started getting antsy, and the "oh wow what is happening" moments tapered off. 

I've always heard people talk about God speaking to them, but just assumed that wasn't something that would happen to me. But a couple of times lately I have "heard" from God. Things that I know don't come from my own mind will hit me so hard, and I know it's God guiding me. I've also had a few people say similar things to me about the phase of life that I'm in, enough to know that it's right. 

And that phase seems to be one of waiting. Of studying, of learning, of gaining knowledge. Of seeking a relationship with God, of getting to know Him on a deeper level, of truly learning what it is to spend time in prayer, listening rather than rambling on. 

Today, I keep hearing the message of waiting. An incredibly sweet woman that I met with earlier today, that I learned so, so much from, was sharing her own story of learning to wait, and when she said that sometimes God wants us to wait, that there are seasons of waiting, that He delights in us waiting - oh man, it hit me SO hard. I knew at that moment that I was supposed to hear that, and to take it in. Then this evening I was listening to this weeks Mom Struggling Well episode, and the main thing the guest spoke about was waiting. Absolutely one of those, "Okay, I hear you God!" kind of days. 

So my busy-busy, have-to-be-doing-all-the-time self is about to learn how to wait. One of the things I feel that I've heard from God is that I need to spend time in the Bible, which is something I have honestly never, ever done before. So my plan now (you know I've gotta have a plan) is to sit, be still, study, learn, and wait. Even though I am quite positive it won't be easy, one thing I am learning is that if God is guiding me to do something, it will absolutely be worth it in the end. 

Man, you guys. I just really can't wait to see where things go from here. Even though this may be a "slow" season, a season of waiting, I know I am going to grow and learn so much, and the thought of it excites me. 

How about you? Are you in a certain season of life that you find challenging? And if so, how do you cope with that? I would love to hear some feedback from you! 

Thankful Thursday

I can't even believe I am writing this right now, because I am SO TIRED and SO OVERWHELMED and I really just need to sleep. But yet here we are.

Things have been super quiet around here the past couple of weeks - you can take a look at that first paragraph to see why ;) We've got so much going on right now that I feel like I'm running a marathon from the time I wake up in the morning until the second I crash at night. Thankfully, things should slow down after this weekend. Which leads in nicely to my first thankful thing.

1. It's Almost May!!!

I am so super thankful that it is almost May. There is nothing exciting about May this year, and that is precisely the point. April is my favorite month of the year, because I love the spring weather and everything starts turning green and it's just so nice and sunshiny almost every single day. HOWEVER. This April has been freaking nuts and I am so glad it's almost over. Hallelujah!

2. Awesome Friends

I've had some good friend time this month, and it has been great. I've had some fun girls dinners, I got to catch up with a couple of my favorites at a bachelorette party, and we had so many sweet friends come to Grayson's birthday party last Sunday. I am also thankful for his sweet little friends, because they are stinkin cute and it's so fun to watch them all grow up. We invited 18 kids to his party this year and 16 showed up, so it was mass chaos, but it's seriously so adorable and I'm so happy that he has so many fun friends in his life that he cares about. Good friends rock, you guys.

3. A Lack of Tornadoes

We were supposed to have some crazy wicked weather yesterday, and it turned out to be just some long lasting, very loud thunderstorms with lots of rain and some hail. That, my friends, is nothing. I am from Oklahoma, and thunderstorms are no big thang, and tornadoes are pretty much to be expected this time of the year. But that doesn't make me hate them any less. And man do I hate them. So I'm super thankful that we've made it this far into spring without having to dive into our little "safe spot" in our house.

4. Hilarious Children

Meaning, my hilarious child. Grayson has been so dang funny lately. I spend so much time laughing at that kid. I have so many stories to share on this front that I really just need to do another "Grayson says" post. The thing that made me laugh tonight at bedtime was him thinking Gavin crying was the TV. I thought he was asleep, and all of the sudden he popped up and said "Oh! I hear that TV! That's one of my shows". I said "No it's not, shhh, go to sleep." A minute later he said "Oh, there's that TV again. " I told him to go to sleep again, and he said "I can't. I hear that TV. That TV is "stracken" me." I was confused for a second, then figured out that he meant it was distracting him.

He's also told me I'm an interesting mommy and told the husband "Mommy is SO weird." within the last few days. That vocabulary of his is really expanding.

5. My MOM

I mentioned her for my last thankful post, but seriously, what would I do without her?!? Like I said, this past couple of weeks has been insane, and she is pretty much the only thing keeping me from total meltdown mode. She's helping wrangle my children, helping with laundry, helping clean my house....I don't think I would have made it through without her. Moms are the best!

Alright, I'm going to bed. Have a fabulous thankful Thursday, kids.

What Grayson Wore - November/December

Alright, if I'm going to keep up these "What Grayson Wore" posts, I'm going to have to get up like five minutes earlier and attempt to take some decent photos before I drop him off at preschool. These are so terrible I'm almost embarrassed to post them. But I guess I gotta work with what I've got! 

We didn't get much preschool in during November and December with being sick and holiday breaks, so I'm combining the two. Maybe I'll get all the way caught up during summer break, because I am sucking at staying on top of this! Anyhow, here's what Grayson wore last winter ;) 

Shirt - Circo, found at Target

Jeans - Children's Place

Shoes - Converse Chuck Taylor All Stars

Shirt - Old Navy

Sweater - H&M

Pants - Old Navy

Shoes - Toms

Shirt - Hand-me-down from his cousin ;) 

Pants - Children's Place

Shoes - Old Navy

This is what he wore for Santa photos & his Christmas program at school :)

Shirt - Cherokee, found at Target

Jeans - Osh Kosh Skinnies

Shoes - Old Navy

Sweater - Children's Place

Jeans - Osh Kosh Skinnies

Shoes - Old Navy

Thankful Thursday

Back again with another thankful post! I almost skipped it this week, because honestly I've had kind of a blah week and didn't want to take the time to think of anything I'm thankful for. Buuuut, that means this is probably the best week for me to do it, because I need to pause for a minute and realize all of the goodness that I have in this beautiful little life I lead. So on to the list!

1. Helpful Husbands

Well, mainly my helpful husband, although I am thankful other people also have helpful husbands. A has been sick this week, and him being out of commission just really makes me realize how much he helps me out on a day to day basis. The one day and night he was completely useless (men are so ridiculously useless when they're are sick, I meeeeaaaannnn seriously) it made dinner, bath time, bedtime, etc., so stinking difficult that I wanted to cry. It was just like when he travels, only worse. So I'm SUPER duper insanely thankful that he is above and beyond helpful on the reg.

2. Moms

Again, mainly my mom, but I am also thankful for all the good mamas in the world out there. But my mom got into town Tuesday night, and today (which is Wednesday, I write these in advance the night before because hello sleeping babies) she was here and saved my life by hanging out with Grayson while I napped with Gavin for two whole hours. Seriously, saved my life. Gavin has been doing something awesome where he either stays up way past his normal bedtime, or he wakes up to party in the middle of the night. Last night - actually, this morning - he and I got to hang out from about 1:30 until right around 3:15. And then Grayson was awake from 3:15 until after 4. Which was AWESOME. So I was so cranky and tired and over life in general this morning, and my amazing mom said "why don't you go take a nap?" So when Gavin fell asleep for his morning nap I curled up beside him in my big cozy bed and It. Was. GLORIOUS.

3. Me Time

I am so thankful that I get to get away sometimes and do my thang. And apparently by "do my thang", I mean write, read, make lists - so many super awesome, super cool things. Isn't this what hip and trendy people do with their free time? Make to do lists and blog at the local Starbucks? I think so. But anyhow, I am so thankful that when I've had an especially crappy week, as I have this very week, I can sneak out of the house and take a beat to just be alone and do me. When I say things like "do me" it makes me feel like I probably am just as cool as I think I am inside my head. Or actually it makes me realize that I'm a thirty one year old mom in the suburbs who probably should just stop.

4. Happy Kids

I don't know if I'm doing something right or if I just hit the jackpot, but man, I have some happy kids. Grayson has always lived his life in extremes, like I have said many times, and he is either the happiest kid you've ever seen in your life, or his life must literally be ending he's being so dramatically upset. Luckily, we hover on the happy side of things for the majority of the time. I absolutely love watching him live his life, because everything is SO exciting for him. Gavin is less extreme, he's more just happy as can be a good 98% of the time. I don't know what it is, but life is goooood for Gavin. He is so dang smiley, and he laughs so much at the most random things. And now that he's getting older he and Grayson are starting to laugh together all the time. Goodness. Happy kids are where it's at.

Ha! Well would you look at that? I thought I'd struggle to come up with anything and I got four just right off the top of my head. I'm telling you people, you should be doing this whole thankful thing with me. It really does brighten my day when I sit down and just take a minute to appreciate all the blessings I've got. Because life is so good, and even when it's rough, there are so many things to be grateful for. And as always, share your thankful things with me if you would!

Mommy Guilt

I almost changed the name of this post, because ugh. I am actually really sick of hearing about mommy guilt. But the thing is, it's such a THING. As much as it may be a total cliche, and as much as we feel like it's been completely blown out of proportion and talked to death, it's still a thing. 

Take, for example, what I'm doing right now. I slipped out of the house while my in-laws came by to visit. My mom is at the house, my husband is home - there are four totally capable adults at the house - but yet I still feel guilty that I snuck away for an hour and a half to drink a chai tea and do a little bit of writing in peace. Or as much peace as I can get at the Starbucks by my house. 

But here I sit, trying desperately to focus because I only have a short amount of time and a billion things I want to do, and the entire time in the back of my mind I'm feeling like I should be at home. Doing what? I don't know. Cleaning? Of course, there's always something to clean. The dishwasher needs to be unloaded and reloaded. There's laundry. The baby might get hungry. There's just the general chaos of two kids to manage. Shouldn't I be there doing that? Isn't that my job?

I'm annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed that these unspoken expectations are forced down our throats. I'm annoyed that taking five minutes to myself to just freaking breathe for a second is something that I think I don't deserve. 

Something I've been struggling with for the past few months, but in reality, for the last three years, is the whole "stay at home mom" thing. Obviously, I'm a stay at home mom. But for a couple of years I worked from home around 10 hours a week doing freelance writing. Once Gavin arrived I knew I couldn't handle doing it with two kids at home. But almost immediately, I started feeling that itch for something other than just being at home with the babies. 

Oh man. Talk about mom guilt. Why, WHY on earth, am I not satisfied staying home with my babies? Why on earth do I feel like I need more? Why can't I look at my life, at my beautiful home and my nice things and my husband who works so hard so I don't have to, and be happy staying home with my two adorable kids and just being mommy? I have everything I have ever hoped for and more. This is the dream, right? Stay at home mom, taking care of the house and cooking dinner and teaching my babies? So why do I feel so unfulfilled? What is wrong with me? 

It took me months and months of internal debate to come to the realization that some women just need something else. Of course I love my children more than anything on this entire earth, and of course I love that I get to be home with them to teach them and watch them grow and to witness all of the amazing firsts. But dang, can't a girl take a minute to think about her hopes and dreams outside of mom-ing? It really feels like you can't. It almost feels that you have to make the choice between "working mom" and "stay at home mom", and that's it. You're one or the other. It feels like such a division. It's just so dumb. It's all so, so dumb. 

If you can't tell, I'm in a real mood today. The past few days, actually. I think it's just coming to the realization that it's just so, so hard to actually do anything at all with littles. These precious, tiny little humans that I am molding and shaping into hopefully fully grown, independent, amazing, wonderful members of society. It's such a huge thing, it's such a big job, and it really, truly is the most important thing. I want nothing more than to be an out of this world good mom to these precious babies that I've been entrusted with. But I have so many dreams for my life. I am constantly, constantly coming up with things I want to do, all of these endeavors I want to pursue, and it's so incredibly frustrating that I just can't. I can't. I simply can't with these itty bitty people at home that I need to take care of day in and day out. 

I'm searching for a solution. I'm looking for a way to do both, to be the best mommy I can possibly be all while pursuing some of these dreams. I don't know how that works, I really don't. I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if this is just a season of life that I need to sink into and embrace, of raising babies and that's all for now. I do know that I'm praying about it daily. I'm praying for guidance, I'm praying for peace, I'm praying for contentment in this season, if that's what is best. 

I also know that we have GOT to stop with the guilt. It's not fair. It is so not fair to have these unreal expectations, all of us crazy moms. It is so not fair to look at Instagram and Pinterest and to think "Oh my God look how amazing of a mom she is! Her kids are adorable and she's always so put together and her house is always clean in the photos and she owns a side business and she's making tons of money but she still gets to stay home with her kids and she has an amazing relationship with her husband and WHYYYY can't I do all of that, too?!?" 

We've got to just embrace our own lives, our own selves, and our abilities and our realities and our season that we're living and say "Ok. This is fine. This is actually amazing and beautiful and perfect in it's imperfectness, and this is MY life and MY reality and I love it. It may be hard sometimes and it may be difficult and there may be some things that I wish I could change, but I will live this life to the fullest and STOP feeling guilty for any of it. For not measuring up to this unreal, unspoken expectation of what a perfect mom should be". 

So that's what I'm going to work on. That's what I'm striving for, calmness and peace and contentment in this season, and the next one, and the one after that. Knowledge and peace that I'm where I need to be, when I need to be. That I'm living the life that was designed for me, and that God doesn't make mistakes, that he will give me a little nudge in whichever direction I need to take things, and that I need to calm down and relax in that. Of course, if there are improvements that can be made to make life better for me and make me happier and more content, then I absolutely plan to make those changes. And I also plan to not feel one ounce of guilt about doing what I feel like I need to do to make me the happiest mommy I can be, because I think that's a HUGE part of what actually makes up a great mommy.

I feel like there's a common theme to my posts lately, and that theme is to word-vomit all over my blog all of my internal mommy/wifey/womanly struggles and hope and pray that no one thinks I'm crazy and tries to have me committed. I hope that there are women out there relating, I hope that whoever needs to read this and think "YESSSS, I am not crazy nor am I alone!" will find there way to this itty bitty blog. That's what I hope. 

Gavin - Five Months

Five months in as a mommy of two, and I have to say it's just the best thing. Grayson and Gavin are really starting to enjoy each other, and I'm pretty sure every time I see them laughing together my heart is on the verge of actually bursting from the happiness of it all. Don't get me wrong, there are still the challenges of managing who gets my attention when, and a little jealousy here and there, but for the most part it has been such an amazing experience. Gavin is still a little angel baby, and I adore this kid so much!

Sweet boy, life just keeps getting better with you in it! You are so, so much fun these days, and everyone in this house just wants to eat you up.

You are a happy little baby, and our days are filled with baby giggles, which I couldn't love more. We all seem to have our own way to get some good laughs out of you, but I have to say no one makes you giggle the way that Grayson does. Honestly, it seems like the rougher he is with you, the harder you laugh. He'll practically dive on top of you and just lay there and you think it's hilarious - meanwhile I'm yelling "Grayson, get off of him!!" and Grayson is saying "But he think it's funny!". I have a feeling you're going to be one tough boy after being forced to deal with him.

You are rolling over like a champ, and diaper changes have reached the very challenging stage. There were a few days where you were up on all fours and I thought crawling might be on the horizon, but you seem to have forgotten all about that. You can sit up on your own for a few seconds, but you get distracted so easily that you quickly dive forward or to the side to grab ahold of something.

Speaking of that, you are the busiest little baby I've ever seen. You are super observant, and you want your hands on everything that catches your eye at all times. If something is close enough to you, you immediately grab it and either stuff it in your mouth or throw it on the floor. If I'm holding you and eating or drinking, you do everything in your power to get your hands on it. Seriously, if anything is within reach you MUST HAVE IT.

You are starting to get super frustrated with your limitations, I think mainly because you are constantly watching Grayson and wanting to keep up. When you watch him and his little buddies play you just fuss the whole time because you're so frustrated that you can't play. You also stare at him or at things and grunt or scream, and your little body stiffens up and your arms shake when you want his attention or to get ahold of something. I have a feeling you are going to be just as impatient as everyone else in this house, which should be super fun.

Like I mentioned, you have been going after our food like a little psycho, so I decided to go ahead and let you have some food. Grayson showed no interest in food really until like eight months, so this is all new territory for me. We gave you your first bite right at about 5 1/2 months, and you got some delicious homemade, pureed avocado. You literally were grabbing the spoon and shoving it in your mouth, so I think it's safe to say you were ready. We will be trying bananas tomorrow, so I'm betting you'll be pretty pumped about that.

I've been taking you to the church nursery during bible study and church on Sundays, and I always get an excellent report when I pick you up. They always mention how good you are, how happy you are, how you are just the sweetest baby - and I always say, yes I know, he is an absolute angel baby! Which you really, truly are. So obsessed with you.

The only time you are ever anything but perfectly happy is when you are teething, which you currently are. We're working on tooth number three over here, which is crazy! The teething messes with your regular sleeping and eating routine, so it's a bit of a challenge, but you are still happy, just a little more yell-y. Oh, you are actually yell-y all the time, but this is more frustrated/angry yelling, and your normal yelling is happy and LOUD. So, so loud. And usually happens when we're in public, causing everyone to stare. You happy-yelled allll through Target the other day for like an entire hour. We got a lot of looks and comments, let me tell you.

I am starting to think that your Papaw may be on to something when he says you're going to be ornery. You are just into everything, constantly moving, not scared to just dive right out of my lap after something - and you are always grabbing my stuff and throwing it on the floor! I swear you're doing it on purpose. You also think it's hilarious anytime Grayson does something like jump off of something or anything else slightly crazy. I may have my hands full with you, little boy.

I am so, so, so in love with you, and so is everyone else that knows you. You are the best little baby ever, and you bring me oh so much joy. I adore watching your silly little personality develop, and I am LOVING every second of watching you and Grayson become buddies. Love you so much sweet one!

Thankful Thursday

I had such a fun time focusing on all I have to be thankful for last Thursday that I decided to make this a thing around here. Not sure I'll get it done every Thursday because, well - it is me that we're talking about. But that's the goal I've got in my head ;) So here's a little roundup of what's making me happy this week.

1. Cupcakes 

Or maybe I should say, sugar in general. My cousins came to visit on Monday and brought a box of six giant cupcakes for Grayson. Well, you can probably all guess how that went down. Grayson did get one little tiny sliver of one yesterday, but mama has been having herself a cupcake treat every night before bed, and it is quite magical. I'm thinking of making it an every day thing. Too much?

I've also been stocking up on the edible cookie dough I mentioned on Instagram a few weeks ago if you happen to follow me there. I literally had three jars in my fridge of all different flavors yesterday (until I finished one off), it's actually getting to be ridiculous.

This reminds me of my next thing....

2. Magical Metabolism Thanks to Baby Feeding

TMI? Probs. Do I care? Not at the moment. Must be the sugar rush from the cupcake I just ate making me feisty. When I am breastfeeding babies, I seriously have insane metabolism. I eat HORRIBLY. It's sad. But I just lose all the baby weight plus like an extra 10 pounds for good measure. Happened with Grayson, somehow miraculously happened again with Gavin. I'm probably jinxing myself right at this very second. But, much to my disappointment, my magical metabolism seems to vanish the second I stop nursing. With Grayson, he quit breastfeeding and I swear the next day I immediately gained 10 pounds. So disappointing. So I'm soaking it up while it lasts.

3. The Quiet 

I have learned two things about the children that my husband and I produce. They will be very cute (not biased, right?) and they will be very LOUD. Oh so loud. Grayson came out of the womb screaming an ear-shattering scream and kept it up for a solid two months, and he's been happy-loud (or frustrated loud) ever since. Gavin started out his life so sweet and quiet, but the older he gets, the more volume he seems to find deep within. He is SO DANG LOUD all the time now! He is almost always happy, seriously, best baby ever, but his happy sounds are hilariously loud. It is absolutely precious and I love it, but OMG when I think about what it's going to be like around here for the rest of their days - oh my. So right now I'm loving the quiet time that I get at night when they finally conk out. I'm actually basking in that quiet right now and it is oh so so so so glorious.

4. My Bible

Hahahahahaha - this one actually makes me laugh out loud (I still can't bring myself to write lol ever). But seriously, if anyone would have told me that I would have been thankful for a bible like two months ago I would have laughed in their face and told them to put the liquor down because clearly they must be drinking. But I am diving into this whole bible reading thing and I have to say - I'm actually really enjoying it. Plus I got a super pretty illustrated bible that makes it fun to look at.

5. Mama Time!

This weekend I am leaving my babies overnight for the first time EVER for Gavin and maybe the third or fourth time for Grayson, and I am going to a bachelorette party in Dallas for a sweet friend of mine. I am apprehensively excited - is that a thing?-  about the idea of a full 24 hours or so away from home. I so need some time to just be Celeste and not mommy, but I can't imagine not squishing their sweet little faces for that long. So yes, I'm super thankful for the chance to get away and super duper thankful for a hubs who is willing to watch them, but I'm a little nervous at the same time.

I'm sure I'll have a blast, let's be real.

So there you have it! I hope you have several things on your list that you're thankful for, too -  and I would love if you would share what they might be in the comments :) Have a super fabulous weekend, friends!

Your Story

Have you ever tried to write down your story? Like, the story of who you are and why you are the way you are, and the people who played a part in shaping you into this fully-formed human that you've become? Well, as of last week, I have. And let me tell you, it isn't easy.

The table of ladies that I sit with at bible study have decided to share our stories - our stories of who we are and how we've come to the place that we are with God. Instead of finding a time to do this in person, because that would take an insane amount of time, we've decided to share them in our private Facebook group. So I'm now faced with the task of summarizing my entire life basically into a few paragraphs.

These women have no idea what they got themselves into, because I am certainly not one for brevity. I am allll about the details, and I have a hard time holding back. I'm kind of an open book, which can be good and bad. So when I sat down to try and sum up 31 years of life, man - it was tough.

It also made me look a bit closer at some of the things in my past that I rarely think about anymore. The people who have hurt me. The reasons I stayed away from church for so long. The intense dislike I had for everything related to Christianity for so many years, and the feelings behind that. I started to remember details that I think I'd suppressed. It caused me to peek into some moments in my life that make me feel a little nauseous when I think about them.

But it also made me feel so incredibly grateful. So grateful for the upbringing that I had, the morals that were instilled, the security that I have always had knowing how loved and cherished I am. It made me grateful for the hard lessons that I've had to learn, for the painful challenges that I've overcome. It let me see that even when I had completely turned my back on God, that He was right there. I have no doubt that He has guided my steps throughout my life. Every little thing that I've experienced has taught me something in some way. The hardest things that I swore would actually kill me at the time - I learned SO many incredible lessons from them. It was all worth it. It led me to this place.

Even though my husband and I have not been seeking God throughout our relationship, I know for a fact that God has been guiding us. And to be honest, it's mainly me that has not been seeking Him. My husband has an unshakeable faith, and prays on a regular basis and has always felt that everything happens for a reason. I have been the doubter, the pessimist, the one who at times felt hopeless. His faith has honestly helped to carry me through over the years.

But now that I'm on this path of seeking God and His will for my life, I can so clearly see that my past has had a great purpose. I don't know how it will be used, but I know that there are parts of my story that will help others. There are other women out there who can absolutely relate to the things that brought me to this point. My story is my own, it is unique and beautiful and hard and sad and full of joy, all at once.

If you haven't ever taken the time to write down your own story, I highly encourage it. It honestly felt a bit like a therapy session, combing through all of the details and making note of the ones that influenced me the most. Self discovery and reflection seems to be a big part of this faith journey, at least for me, but I must say that it has been incredibly enlightening and healing in many ways.

Wifely Duties

You guys ready for some brutal honesty? When I was going into my marriage with the husband I was hauling some pretty heavy baggage with me. I had some very negative feelings about what it meant to be a wife, to be married, for him to be my husband - and it made me feel kind of weird. On one hand, I couldn't wait to get married to the love of my life and start this new journey together. But on the other hand, I was slightly terrified of what marriage might do to us.

My parents are divorced. I don't think that all of the negative feelings I had at the time were a result of this, but of course they are tied to it in some ways. They didn't get divorced until I was 22 or 23, so I wasn't really as affected by it as I would have been when I was younger. However, they didn't have the ideal relationship when I was growing up, so I think I held on to a lot of that. I knew very much what I didn't want my marriage to be like, but I wasn't sure how to avoid it because it was basically all I knew. 

I also just had a lot of negative stuff going on when it came to the whole "submissive" side of being a wife. I'm not sure if you know this about me, but I am NOT a submissive person. No. Nope. No way. I am hardheaded and stubborn and convinced that I am right basically at all times. I very specifically would not let the pastor at our wedding use the verse about wives submitting to their husbands because NO. 

Another factor was the family that I was marrying into. My husband's family is not only very traditional but from another culture that puts a lot of value on the more traditional gender roles. The men are very dominant, and the women spend a lot of time in the kitchen, serving everyone and taking care of everyone else before they do anything for themselves. Their culture is really amazing and I see a lot of beauty in it now, but going in it was another "umm NO" thing for me. 

Take all of this stuff, mix it all together and you have the recipe for a very not so great wife. I don't think that I've been a bad wife, necessarily, but I definitely haven't done my best. Because I haven't wanted to. Because if I do these things for my husband, if I willingly cook and clean and pick up his dry cleaning and whatnot, what does that say about me as a modern woman? It's not 1955, I am nobody's housewife (ahem, yes you are), I will NOT be bossed around. 

I hate to admit it, but this is the attitude that I've had for much of our marriage. But as I learn and grow as a person and he and I learn and grow in our marriage, over time I've begun to see things a bit differently. He doesn't want a submissive wife - I don't even think he would enjoy it if I were. I'm sure he likes that I stand up for what I believe in, that I'm willing to debate and engage in a "healthy discussion" when it comes to my own wants and needs - after all, he married me knowing what I was like. But I don't need to have such a hard attitude about things. He's a damn good husband, I need to appreciate that more and be a more understanding wife. 

Of course it's hard. I mean, I hate to cook, and really have to be in the mood to enjoy cleaning. Organizing, sure I'll do that all day long, but cleaning toilets and scrubbing bathtubs? Vom. I hate it. But let's be real. He works nonstop all day every day so I can stay home and raise these sweet babies of ours - shouldn't I handle my wifely duties with a happy heart? Umm yes, I'm pretty sure I should. 

Don't get me wrong, I've always been good to spoil him and buy him fun gifts and cook him meals (sometimes) and keep the house clean and value his opinion and all of that. But I also think I've done all of this with the lingering thought somewhere in the back of my mind that I always need to be sure that I never let him forget that I'm his equal. I may be the wife and he may be the husband, but this is a partnership. And it is. We have a really great relationship overall, we communicate super well, and we have a lot of fun together. I honestly consider him my best friend - so why shouldn't I try and take care of him and our home and everything the best that I can? 

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? Am I the only "modern" girl who has bristled at the thought of a more traditional marriage? I'm genuinely curious if this is a common theme with my generation, or if all of the aforementioned factors are what caused it. Let me know in the comments!