Now that I have Grayson I'm constantly trying to capture the moments and tuck them away into some little space in my brain so that I can always remember. Even the mundane, every day moments are so special that I hope I never forget them. It's why when I'm having a frustrating day with so many tantrums and missed naps and oh my I'm just so tired why won't you sleep?!?! that I try to stop myself and remind myself that someday he won't be so little. And someday he won't want me to hold him and play with him and shower him with attention 24/7. And someday he won't need me to rock him to sleep or to come in and rock him back to sleep an hour later.
I'm at a point in life where I'm overwhelmed. I think if there were a word to sum up my life at this stage, that would be it. I'm trying to figure out balance. And it's tough. I'm trying to figure out how to be the best mama I can possibly be, while still being a good mama to my first little baby, Miss Addie Jane. And really, the hubs and I are practically still newlyweds. It will be three years next month. I'm definitely still trying (and failing miserably a lot) to figure out how to be a fantastic wife. I've got my freelance job that really only requires around 10-15 hours a week, but when I try to fit that in to a day full of everything else, I just feel...overwhelmed. I crave a routine that makes sense, that makes things easier, but apparently this time in my life just isn't meant for routine.
I still have so many things that I want to do. So desperately. I've always felt like I have some "calling" in my life, some big purpose. I think right now it's to be mama...but I know that I can't just be that. There's something inside of me that needs more. I want to touch lives. I want to save animals. I want to create beautiful things. I want to be healthy and fit and dear Lord how do moms find time to work out? I mean, really...how do you ladies do it all? I have one tiny child and I feel like every single day is just runningrunningrunning trying to get it all done before I collapse into bed at night, exhausted. Thank the good Lord above my child is a good sleeper, because the nights that he isn't I am a beast to deal with the next day. I need that time to recharge so I can get up and do it all again.
And I miss this space. I miss getting on here and just purging and spilling out all of my feelings and emotions. It's the thing that I think was the best for me from time to time, and now it's the thing that I have put on the very back burner and rarely even consider doing. I get so very little "me" time, and when I do I just kind of sit here and zone out. Or binge watch episodes of Vampire Diaries.
More than anything, I just feel so blessed. I know this probably seems like maybe a bit of a complaining post, but it's not. That's not what it is at all. Being overwhelmed and busy and pulled in so many directions and having so many people who want and need my affection is amazing. It's wonderful. It's the best thing ever. I'm struggling to figure out how to handle it all, but oh my goodness I'm so glad that this is what I get to handle. I was telling A the other day that every once in awhile I get smacked in the face with this crazy guilt, because I am so super freaking lucky to have the life that I do, and I didn't do anything to get it, really. I got lucky to be born into the family that I was, to have the security and opportunity and material things. I got lucky to meet him and to fall in love and to get married, and for him to end up being this crazy determined, hard-working, successful man (if you would have known him in college, you would see what I gamble I took ;) Ha, kidding babe). And I mean, I really hit the jackpot in the adorable, hilarious, sweet child department. My life is good. And I'm thankful.
So. I think I needed this. My random, unplanned, word-vomit of the month. If you're still here and still reading, bless you. And thank you.
