Letting Go of the Past

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When I look back on my life, I can say I've lived a pretty great one up to this point. Growing up I always felt secure and loved by my parents. I knew I would always have whatever material things I needed. I was blessed with many good friends. Sure, I wished my parents would have gotten along and I always wanted siblings to make things a little less lonely, but for the most part I have to say I had a good childhood.

Things got a bit more complicated when I entered high school. Due to some pretty dumb decisions on my part, I spent the majority of my time in high school in a toxic relationship. The guy I was with was older and out of school. He was into some not so great things and didn't treat me very well at all. Looking back, I feel as if I wasted more than three years of my life, that I missed out on so many things that most high schoolers experience, that I let him ruin so many meaningful things for me....

The funny thing is that when I think of that time and of him, I don't feel bad for myself or have anger or resentment for what he did to me. Instead, I feel sad for the innocent, naive girl that I was then. It's like I'm looking at someone else's life whenever I think back to that time. Before I was with him I had never had a boy treat me poorly. I had never had a boy put me down, or disrespect me, or break my heart. I had never been cheated on, never been lied to, never been let down over and over again.

When I look back at that time in my life, it seems so far away. I can honestly say it was by far the worst three years of my life. I struggled immensely all that time with severe depression, I'm sure partly because of the things I was dealing with, but also because in my earlier years I was just prone to that. When I think of that time, for the most part, it's almost like there was a dark cloud covering everything. It makes me sad for the girl that I was. I want to give her a hug, tell her that someday it will be so much better, that she'll meet a man who respects her and treats her wonderfully and will never lie or cheat or hurt her heart.

When I look back at that time, I sometimes still get angry at him. For taking advantage of a younger girl  who thought he was funny and cute and had never been with a "bad boy" before. For taking my innocence and for hurting me repeatedly for years as if it didn't phase him at all. I no longer feel any of the pain, not even an ounce. I think somehow Arsen undid any damage any previous guys caused by loving me so completely. But the anger I still feel, not for myself, but for that innocent girl I once was. She deserved so much better.