5 Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom

Motherhood is strange. It's so amazing, but you're just so tired that sometimes you feel somewhat delirious. As the days go by I've realized that there are certain things that are just inevitable. In the little over a month that I've had this gig these are the five things that I've learned about being a mama.

1. You Will Not Sleep

Whoever came up with the phrase "sleeping like a baby" deserves to be smacked. Babies don't sleep well. They sleep often, but they don't often sleep for long periods of time. Your day will be a steady rotation of feed baby, burp baby, rock baby to sleep, lay them down for approximately 30 minutes while you try to get a million things done...then go get baby, change baby, feed baby, burp baby, etc. You can try to sneak a nap in here and there, but good luck.

And when bedtime finally arrives, you better believe baby won't go down easily. And when they do, fall asleep as quickly as you possibly can, because they will be up in roughly two hours for a little middle of the night snack.

Oh, and even when they happen to be sleeping, you probably won't. Every single sound will make you jump up and check on them. Lack of sound will make you jump up to check and make sure they are breathing. Just tell yourself that surely someday you will sleep again, and pray that you learn to function on fragmented bits of sleep for now.

2. You Will Not Eat

Just about every single time I have sat down to eat since Grayson's arrival, he has decided that that is the exact moment that he needs to eat. Or to be changed. Or to be rocked by no one other than mama. Even during the moments that he is sleeping soundly and I could eat, I forget that I should. I have too  many other things that need to be accomplished, and food is somewhat of an after thought.

Also, if you're breastfeeding your diet can become increasingly limited. Our little one has had some crazy tummy aches, so I've cut so many things out of my diet to try and help him out. So when you're limiting so many yummy things out of your diet it really isn't quiet as appealing to stuff your face.

But, this is great for getting that pre-baby body back. On Grayson's one month birthday I was three pounds away from where I was before I got pregnant. So it's not all bad....

3. You Will Not Pee, Or Shower, Or Get Dressed....

At least you won't do any of those things when you would like to. When you have a newborn in your hands for the majority of the day, doing anything becomes a challenge. I can go six hours and realize that I haven't been to the bathroom since I woke up, and, oh yeah...I actually really need to go.

Showers have to be coordinated whenever Daddy or Nana are around and can watch him, and also they need to be done soon after a feeding so no one bursts into the bathroom to disrupt your beloved shower with a baby screaming for his dinner.

And getting dressed? At this point, most days I have a "why bother?" attitude about it. I have been peed on, pooped on, and spit up on more times in the last month than I ever dreamed was possible. Why on earth would I wear anything other than yoga pants and a tank top? If I'm not leaving the house and we aren't having guests over, you better believe I'm in something stretchy that can withstand lots of bodily fluids.

4.  You Will Feel As If You Accomplish Nothing

Even though I realize that every single day I am almost solely responsible for keeping a human being alive, it can feel as if I am not getting anything done. My mile long list of to-do's just keeps getting longer because there simply is no way to get much done in the random bits of free time I get. When I do happen to get a spare 45 minutes or so, I have to choose between trying to cram in a nap, or cleaning the kitchen, or blogging, or folding the laundry. I'd say I'm about 50/50 on which I choose. A month in I'm coming to terms with this lifestyle...not much I can do about it anyway, so why not embrace it?

5. None of That Really Matters

Even though having a baby immediately makes your life all about someone other than yourself, and you lose control over just about every aspect in your life, it doesn't matter. I have begun to grasp the idea that I will basically never be alone again...at least not for long periods of time. I won't be able to sit down for three solid hours and read a book, or watch a marathon of whatever TV show Arsen and I have decided to obsess over, or wander aimlessly through Target for an hour without thinking about getting home to my little one. My life is not my own. And I'm fine with it.

I've only left him once since he's been born, and it was for approximately 45 minutes. It felt incredibly strange to be without him, and I was actually a little emotional about leaving him. I know the older he gets the easier these things will be, but it made me realize something: there will literally never be more than a few moments that go by that I'm not thinking about him. Everything I do will circle back to him. He's everything to me now. It's a strange, but lovely, realization.

Now....I must go. My son is trying desperately to wake himself up from a nap and is eating his hands. My signal that he thinks it's time for dinner. Catch ya on my next break :)

My Heart is in Oklahoma

Aside from a brief year spent in Los Angeles, Oklahoma was my home my entire life until I moved to the Dallas area three years ago. I know people may have their preconceived notions about Oklahoma and the people from there, but there truly is no place I would rather be from. There is just something about being from that great state that gives you a sense of pride. I've always been proud to be an Oklahoman, and when something like the May 20th tornado happens, the entire world is able to see why. 

My mother lived in Moore up until just a couple years ago, and the very worst of the tornado hit literally just a couple streets away from her previous home. I know that area well, and to see the destruction of so many familiar places is absolutely heartbreaking. We have family and friends who live right there, and thankfully every single one of them is fine. But to know that so many are not, so many people lost loved ones, lost their homes, lost everything important in their lives....I can't even imagine.

One thing about Oklahomans though, is that we are strong, and we help each other out when we see someone in need. Oklahomans have the biggest hearts, are the kindest, friendliest people, and truly love and care about one another. After living in L.A. (which I love, don't get me wrong) I developed such a huge appreciation for the kindness and friendliness that you find everywhere you look throughout the state. 

Although I love living in Texas, my heart will absolutely always belong to the great state of Oklahoma. I encourage everyone who can to donate to the rebuilding of Moore. You can visit unitedway.org/rebuild to find out how. I can guarantee your donation will be appreciated more than you will ever know. 

Grayson's Birth Story

In the sleep-deprived haze of the early days of Grayson's life, I've often thought of logging on here and writing his birth story. Somehow he is already a month old and I haven't found a spare moment to do it. Even though I have a million things I could be doing with the very small amount of downtime I get these days, I decided that I want to go ahead and make this a priority.  The details are already fading into distant memories, and I want to remember as much as I can about those special first days of his life. This will most likely be the longest blog post in the entire world, but to be honest I think I'm doing this more for me (and Grayson someday, if he chooses to read this) than anything else.

Let me start at the beginning. From about the midway point of my pregnancy, my doctor (who I love) had been making comments about the fact that the baby was measuring big and it was concerning her a bit. I'm a small girl, but not incredibly so, so I was always surprised that she thought I might not be able to carry him to term or to deliver him the way I wanted, which was absolutely, positively NO C-section. Around 30 weeks she said that since he was measuring so big we would wait it out until 39 weeks if I made it that far and then do a final ultrasound to see how big he was and to talk about inducing. Another thing I was 100% against. So for the final few weeks of my pregnancy I was praying/crossing fingers/wishing on stars that I would naturally go into labor on my own before that 39 week mark. Well, that just wasn't meant to be apparently.

On the morning of April 23rd, we went in for my 39 week sonogram. At this point we knew that most likely I would be induced sometime in the next week and we were pretty much prepared. After the appointment that morning I had plans to get a spray tan (priorities you know),  vacuum the house, clean our guest bathroom...all of the ridiculous things that don't really matter but when you are in that "nesting" phase feel absolutely positively essential.

When we got the sonogram that morning we were told he was no longer measuring too big, he was pretty much right on track. The ultra sound tech said she was guessing his weight to be around 7 1/2 to 8 pounds. Much better than the 8 plus we had been warned about. She said everything looked good measurement wise...and then she dropped the bomb. My fluid was measuring very low...not quite dangerously, but enough that she said "Well, looks like you'll be having a baby today!". Umm...oh my.

At that point I think all of the reality of what was going on slammed Arsen and I both in the face. I said something about my plans to go home and clean and she informed me that she doubted my doc would let that happen. So after about 10 agonizing minutes of waiting alone in a room with shocked looks on our faces and making little comments about what needed to be done IF in fact today was the day and me going into a slight panic about the fact that I reallyreallyreally did NOT want to be induced, my doctor walked in and said "OK, so we're having this baby today!".

She told us to go home and grab our hospital bags and then to go get checked in. Everything started happening so fast and I was so overwhelmed...even though I knew in the back of my head that this was a possibility, I still couldn't believe it was really time.

We went home and got our bags, took a few last minute photos, and I said a long, somewhat-tearful goodbye to my baby Addie. That was honestly the hardest thing for me to deal with probably this entire pregnancy, and I know people may think I'm slightly crazy because she's "just a dog", but I knew the minute we came home with a tiny little baby her whole world would be turned upside down. It's something I've stressed about since day one. And to be honest, it isn't as bad as I thought it might be. But it's not as good as I hoped it would be either. I'm sure there's another post on that coming soon.

We headed off to the hospital around 12:30, and it's just a short 15 minute drive from the house thankfully. Once we got all checked in to the hospital and I changed in to my gown, they hooked me up to all kinds of monitors and started my IV right around 2 PM. Then after just a few minutes they started that dreaded Pitocin drip.

Going into this whole thing I had very definite ideas of what I wanted my labor and delivery process to be like. I had a birth plan, and being the type of person that I am, I wanted to control the entire situation and stick to the plan as closely as possible. I wanted a vaginal birth, with no meds if at all possible (I wasn't totally against an epidural, but I wanted to see if I could do it), and my number one thing was that I absolutely did not want a C-section. More than anything in this world I wanted to experience everything about delivering my sweet baby, having him put immediately onto my chest, and starting the bonding process right away. I had been dilated to a one for a few weeks, and by this point was "almost" at a two, so I did have some hope that my body was starting things off on its own. But I knew that being induced with Pitocin meant that my contractions would most likely be more painful, and that can lead to an increased risk in having an epidural. I also knew that all of this can lead to an increased risk of C-section. So I wasn't too happy to be starting that way.

After the drip was started, Arsen and I just pretty much relaxed for awhile. My contractions started pretty quickly, but they weren't too bad. I played on the iPad, emailed my boss and co-workers, looked around on Facebook and Pinterest a bit. It was strangely calm. It didn't really feel like what I thought it might. Eventually mine and Arsen's parents showed up, and everyone was just sitting in the room waiting on something to happen. They kept upping the dosage they were giving me of the Pitocin because I wasn't really reacting.

Around 5 PM my doctor came to check on me, and I was still just between a two and a three. At this point my contractions were getting to be extremely painful. It's strange how you wonder what they will feel like and no one can really explain it. To me, it just felt like the worst cramps I had ever had in my entire life. Where that is literally the only thing that I could see, hear or feel. I put in my headphones and played my birth playlist that I had created, but even that wasn't helping. On a monitor we could see when the contractions would start and stop in little peaks and valleys, and at one point I had one that stayed elevated for well over ten minutes. I honestly thought the pain would never end. I pride myself on having a high pain tolerance and not being a big complainer (Arsen, stop laughing), but that almost broke me. At that point everyone was saying if I needed an epidural to get one. One nurse said "You don't get an award for holding out longer, you know." She checked me to see how I was progressing and I was still just in between a two and three, so I knew this was going to be a long, long process. So around 7 PM I decided to get the epidural.







Everyone left but Arsen, and he stood in front of me and held my hands while they had me bend forward in the bed and sit "Indian Style" (I think they call it Criss Cross Apple Sauce these days haha) to get the shot. The numbing portion definitely was painful, but nothing too ridiculous. However, something happened that caused my left leg to spasm and shoot almost straight out and start twitching a bit. It was the strangest, most involuntary motion I've ever made, and it scared me to death. Of course I had done all the research on all the awful side effects of epidurals, and I think the immediate thought that I was going to be paralyzed or something flew through my mind when that happened. That's when I lost it for the first time. I started crying and couldn't hardly stop. Thank GOD for the amazing, supportive, sweet, kind-hearted man that I married. He said all the right things and wiped my tears and calmed me down like no one else could. Throughout this entire ordeal he really saved my sanity so many times. I'll be forever thankful to him for that.

My doctor came back around 9 PM to check on me, and at that point I was finally at a four. She said the baby was fine, but that his head was swelling (can't remember the technical term she used) because of being stuck in the birth canal for so long already and that when he was born we could expect a cone head. She went home at that point and said she would be back around 1 AM to check on things.

From there, everyone pretty much started dozing off. Everyone but me, that is. I knew I needed to sleep, but I was so apprehensive about everything that I just couldn't. I mainly just laid in bed staring at the TV but not really watching. Things weren't going how I hoped, and I think it had me a little uneasy.  The next four hours are kind of a blur of listening to the baby's heart on the monitor, a little small talk, and laying around doing nothing but waiting.

When my doctor came back at 1 AM she checked me and informed me that I was still just at a four. She let me know that she just didn't think I would get to where I needed to be. She said we could wait until 3 and check again, but she didn't see me making much progress. We discussed how this was something we had talked about for months, and that it was just probably not going to happen for me the way I had hoped. She was very kind and encouraging, and she told me it was completely up to me. She said the baby wasn't in distress and that I was doing OK. But she made it clear that her opinion was that I needed the C-Section. The nurses said similar things. At this point I was starting to feel all my dreams of my ideal delivery slip away. I asked everyone but Arsen to leave. And that's the second time I lost it.

Making the decision to have the C-Section was the hardest decision I think I've ever had to make. I was so, so determined to have the delivery that I had hoped for, and it was just so incredibly hard to let that go. Arsen held me and let me cry and mourn the loss of my dream, and he said all the right things to encourage me and let me know he would support whatever decision I made. But he made the point that the little guy had been working hard to get out for hours, and he knew he (the baby) and I both were getting tired. We decided that we would go ahead with the C-Section.

After being prepped for surgery, rolled back, and having the procedure done, it was all over in less than an hour. To say that it was strange to lay on a table and know that someone was removing my baby from my womb while I couldn't feel a thing is a major understatement. I kept a smile on my face and tried to convince myself that I was OK with what was happening, but it was definitely tough for me.

But then at 2:08 AM on April 24th, Grayson made his entrance into the world, and the minute he was held up over that curtain and I saw him, it didn't matter anymore. They took him and wrapped him up and handed him to Arsen right away, and he brought him over to me within seconds. Seeing his face was one of the most indescribable things I've ever experienced. I was overwhelmed with feelings, but more than anything I just felt completely overjoyed to finally have him here with us. They did all of his measurements and wiped him down a bit, and then they took him back to my labor room with Arsen while I was being sewed up. Definitely not at ALL the experience I was hoping for, but like Arsen kept reminding me, all that matters is that we had a healthy, happy baby boy.

After I got back to my labor room everything becomes a bit of a blur. Grayson was screaming. And when I say screaming, I can't express how loud these cries were. And he just wouldn't stop. The baby nurse brought him over and we tried to get him to nurse to calm him down, we did skin to skin, we did everything she suggested, and he just. wouldn't. stop. It was awful. And terrifying. And then the nurse said something about the fact that we had to get him to stop screaming because it could cause him to have a collapsed lung. Are you kidding??? Worst thing in the WORLD you could say to a brand new first time mama. I was more scared than I've ever been in my entire life, but it was almost like I was in shock. My mom said she could tell I was stressed, but on the inside I felt like everything was falling apart.

They transferred us to my new room after about an hour in recovery and he continued to scream off and on there. I can't remember how long it was before he completely calmed down, but by about 5 AM when Arsen's mom left we had a handle on things. I was finally able to just lay in bed with my little guy and enjoy him. It was amazing. It was beautiful. It was all of the things I had been hoping and dreaming it would be, and it was finally, finally happening.



We had several visitors over the next couple of days, both family and friends, and it all passed in a blur of sleep, breastfeeding, nurses coming and going, and much more pain than I was expecting. Since I hadn't planned on the C-Section, I was not mentally prepared to be recovering from surgery. I hate feeling helpless, and I totally was. Arsen had to help me to the shower, help me undress, and then basically bathe me. I will never, ever doubt how much that man loves me. To see me in that state and to never flinch and to tell me I was beautiful and doing a great job as a mommy and to continually encourage me....sometimes I'm pretty convinced he is actually the best guy on this planet.

Those first couple of days as a mama were beautiful. It is honestly impossible to explain the love you have for your child, but I'm sure I'll never stop trying. In my eyes, Grayson is the most beautiful, advanced, perfect baby I have ever seen, and I'm sure I will think he is the most amazing toddler, little boy, teenager, and man in the world until the day I die. Seeing Arsen with him melts my heart, and to see how naturally this whole fatherhood thing has come to him has made me fall more in love with him every day.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have this gorgeous little baby, the best husband I could have ever hoped for, and the sweetest little pup who I still adore with all my heart. Life is at once amazing, exhausting, overwhelming and blissful, and I wouldn't trade a second of it.

Happy One Month to My Little Man!

It's hard to believe we've already known this sweet boy for an entire month. The time has just flown by, and I feel like it was just yesterday we were heading into the hospital preparing to bring him into the world. Our first month has been both wonderful and trying. I had no idea how exhausted I could possibly be, and how little sleep I could function on. But I also could never have imagined the love I could have for another human being. It is unlike anything I've ever experienced, and even though it's almost scary to love someone this much, it's the best thing I could ever imagine.

I find myself already forgetting how tiny he was when we first brought him home, and I want to try and remember every single minute, every single face, every single sound that he makes. In an effort to do that, here's my first letter to Grayson.

He wasn't the happiest camper during his photo shoot

My sweet little guy,

The first month of your life has been the best month of mine. I knew from the moment I found out you were coming into this world that I would love you, but I love you to an extreme that I never knew was possible. Every moment of life is better now that you are here, even the moments when you are screaming and crying and keeping me up for hours on end. I still would not trade that for the best moments of my life before you arrived.

Your Daddy and I have had numerous conversations since you've arrived about how much we love you, how beautiful you are, how you are the best thing ever. It's safe to say that you have both of us completely wrapped around your tiny little finger.

There are so many things that you do that make you the sweetest, smartest, most precious baby to us. One of our very favorite things that you do is the noise that you make after you sneeze (which you do a lot). It is the sweetest sound I have ever heard, and I pray that someday I'm lucky enough to get it on video before you outgrow it. To describe it is impossible, but it's a soft little coo that sounds like you are saying "Ahhh-oooohhhh". Be still my heart. Every single time you do it your Daddy and I look at each other and laugh like it's the cutest thing we've ever seen. Which it is.

You also are incredibly strong for such a little thing. Since you were in the hospital you've been holding your head up for longer amounts of time than I thought little babies were supposed to, and now you have the whole head support thing down pretty good. You will look around the room, look from side to side, lock your gaze on something and stare for a couple of minutes before your little head starts to bob. When we do tummy time you are really good at picking up your tiny head and moving it from one side to the other. And now you're starting to recognize Mommy when other people are holding you. Having you lock eyes with me and give a tiny smile is about the best thing ever. I can't wait until you really start smiling and laughing with us!

You are the noisiest sleeper I have ever heard. I had no idea a little baby could sleep so loud! Grunts and moans and laughs and squeals...it's hilarious and adorable, and can be quite exhausting since every sound you make keeps me up at night. Now you're starting to coo and make sweet little noises when you're awake. And when you cry, it's either the loudest screams ever that sound like they're going to make you gag, or it's a sweet little cry that literally sounds like you are saying "Oooh-Waaaa, Oooh-Waaa" over and over. I much prefer the cute one :)

Your Daddy always tells me I'm spoiling you because I hold you too much. During the day when you nap so well it's hard for me to just let you swing in your swing or lay in your Pack and Play. I would much rather hold you and watch all of the adorable little faces that you make. Your big, big yawns, the way you form your mouth into a tiny O shape, the big smiles that come across your face when you sleep...I hate to miss a second. And when you are having what I can only imagine is the best little baby dream ever, you smile so big all of your top gums show and you let out a little baby laugh. Precious.

You are a great eater, and it shows. You're turning into quite the little chubs! I love feeding you and having you stare deep into my eyes. It's like you're really studying me and trying to figure out what I'm all about. When you're searching for food you go after your hand or whatever is nearby by opening your mouth wide open and moving your head back and forth as fast as you can. Makes Mama laugh every time. You're well over 10 pounds now and it seems like you are getting new rolls on your legs, arms and neck every day. One of your favorite things is bath time, especially having your hair washed. It instantly puts you in to the best, most relaxed mood.  One of your least favorite things would have to be diaper changes. Almost guaranteed tears every time.

Once about 8 or 9 at night comes around you aren't the happiest little guy most nights. You've been having tummy aches that cause a lot of crying and restlessness right up until about midnight every night. But once you are asleep, you sleep in about three hour shifts, which is pretty good I think. At the moment, the best way to get you to sleep is to let you lay on my chest. I have to say, I'm not complaining. Having you close and cuddled up is just about my favorite thing in the world.

There are so many teeny tiny things that make us love and adore you as you can see. It's safe to say that you are clearly the best thing that your Daddy and I have ever done. We love you more than life itself, and we are so very glad that you are ours. Happy one month my love.

Mama

Random Little Things

One thing I have learned over the past couple of weeks is that functioning on very little sleep isn't conducive to productivity. I literally feel like I accomplish nothing all day...whenever I have a spare minute it's like my mind goes blank and I can't think of a thing I need to get done. For someone who thrives on list making and planning and always working on some type of project, this is a strange thing to be going through.

But I'm trying to embrace this crazy little period in my life by enjoying zoning out in front of reality TV marathons for a large portion of my day. This is something I normally would never do because I would constantly be thinking about all the time I'm wasting, but now...it's like my brain just needs to take a break. I highly recommend Million Dollar Listing and House Hunters to anyone with a little down time. Things I haven't enjoyed so much? The Real Housewives of Orange County and Married to Medicine. Good Lord, the drama. Also, Dr. Phil is hit or miss. See what my life has come to? It's insanity!

But I do have a few things I actually need to accomplish over the next few days. Number one being thank you notes....I STILL haven't done this, and my showers were almost two months ago. It's awful. I'm embarrassed. But yet I still can't let that motivate me to pick up a pen and get it done. Also, birth announcements. We had Grayson's newborn photos done last week, and I need to pick out my announcement and get things done ASAP. But that's yet another thing that I keep putting off. I'd rather lay on the couch with little Grayson on my chest and Addie on my feet and watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother.

Mommies of the world, PLEASE tell me that I'll find my long lost motivation before too long. I'm hoping it wasn't sucked out of me right along with the baby somehow. Seems possible.

I did accomplish something last night though. I made this recipe for Nutella cookies that I've had pinned forever. I have to confess something: I'm not a Nutella fan. I just don't get what all the fuss is about. I've had this jar of Nutella sitting in my cabinet for months and I just don't ever have the urge to use it, so I decided I might as well give these cookies a try and see. And they are pretty phenomenal I must say. I made a few adjustments to the recipe because it was super duper dry, like adding a bit of peanut butter and a few teaspoons of water. But yeah, I'm definitely a fan. Highly recommend.

And that's pretty much that. No rhyme or reason to this post, just like there is no rhyme or reason to anything going on in my brain. Until I have my wits about me this is probably what you'll be getting around here....honest ramblings from a brand new mommy. What more could you ask for? And because no post is complete without photos, feast your eyes on my beautiful child.

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

I have always loved Mother's Day, simply because I love my mom and I like having a day to recognize her and all she's done for me. Arsen was also blessed with a wonderful mama, and our little guy is super lucky to have these two amazing women in his life. Last year I wrote a post honoring the important moms in my life, and the feelings I wrote about then still stand true. But this year I feel a little different now that I'm a new mama myself.

It's crazy how the instant you find out you're expecting you feel this connection to all other mothers. I can actually remember walking into Target a couple of days after I found out I was pregnant, passing a very pregnant woman with a little one at her side, and thinking "Now I get it." Even though I was barely pregnant, I already felt the incredible love in my heart that you always hear moms talk about. It's truly something that can't be explained, and I love that I'm part of the club now.

This is how I spent a large portion of my Mother's Day (thanks to my sweet husband)

Earlier this morning Grayson was being fussy and Arsen was trying to calm him down while I did my makeup. He was talking to him and I heard him say "I don't know how your mom does this little man. She must be way more patient than I am." And I said "I think it's the mom thing". I am not a patient person naturally. And add in exhaustion and hormones, and I would think I would be less patient than ever. But it's like I suddenly have this superhuman amount of patience that I have no idea where it came from.

Last night I finally got Grayson to sleep at midnight after about two hours of fussing and just being restless and fighting sleep. He typically wakes up every two to two and a half hours for a diaper change and to eat, so I knew I would be up around two. Normally he goes right back to sleep after about 30-45 minutes of eating and rocking. Right on cue, he woke me up a couple minutes after two. And then he stayed awake until about 4:15. In the middle of the night when you are more tired than you've ever been and your husband and little dog are snoring beside you, it's a real struggle to stay awake with a fussy baby for more than two hours. But somehow, I'm fine. I'm exhausted, sure, but I'm so incredibly happy. Anytime I start to get frustrated I just look at his little face and I know that I need to cherish every single exhausting moment because they will pass so quickly.

My babies!

So now, almost three weeks in, I feel like I'm starting to grasp what motherhood really is. It's everything I ever dreamed it would be, and so much more. It's much more tiring than I ever thought, and somehow my days slip away in what feels like minutes without me accomplishing a thing, but every day is wonderful in its monotony.

In true new-mother fashion, I had every intention of writing this post yesterday on what was actually Mother's Day, but I ran out of time and energy. But I got it done! So Happy (Belated) Mother's Day to all of you mama's out there. We are all so lucky to have this title of "Mom" and I hope your families made you feel appreciated for all that you do for them.

Our New Life

Today Grayson is two weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time is flying by. The past two weeks have gone by in a blur of smiles, lack of sleep, cute baby noises, and tears (happy and sad/stressed). The tears have been both mine and Grayson's.

I remember reading once that every day as a mother you will feel like you've failed. And let me tell you, with the hormones and the few hours of sleep and the tiny baby that I am completely responsible for keeping healthy and happy and safe, I feel that fear of failure creeping up on me almost daily. Even though I know I'm learning and it's all going to take some time to figure out, sometimes I feel like I'm doing a terrible job. But I'm doing the best I can, and for a first time mama with very little previous experience, I think I'm doing okay.

One thing I know I'm succeeding in is loving this little fella. My heart is so full of love for him that sometimes I feel like it could explode. I never doubted that I would love him, but I did wonder if it would take awhile to feel that mother-son connection. It didn't. Every time I look at him, I feel a connection with him unlike anything I've ever experienced. It's like I've known him forever. It's official: I'm obsessed.

I'm also already doing that typical "mom" thing, where I think he's the smartest, most adorable, most advanced baby in the world. He's been holding his head up for several seconds since pretty much day one, but now he's pushing off of us when we hold him and looking around. He holds eye contact so well...it's like he's looking deep into your soul. He furrows his brow all the time, and it makes it seem like he's deep in thought. He also has started smiling all of the time, which is the absolute most precious thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Sometimes in his sleep he will get the biggest grin on his face, where all his top gums show, and give a little giggle. Be still my heart. So sweet I can hardly stand it.

Overall, life is pretty much bliss at this point. Of course we are sleep deprived, I feel like I'm making all kinds of rookie mistakes, I worry about every single thing that happens...but it's amazing. Arsen is literally the very BEST husband and father I could have ever hoped he would be. Even though he has to get up and work every single day, he will still get up in the middle of the night to change a diaper or help me out if I need it. He is constantly telling Grayson how much he loves him, and he is making me feel like I'm the most amazing mother around. He's always reassuring me that I'm doing a wonderful job and that Grayson is so lucky to have me. He's also been great about telling me how good I look. Anyone who has had a baby know how incredibly needed those words can be.

Thank you again to everyone for all the sweet comments...I truly intend to respond to every one of them, but by the time I've fed the baby, changed him, put him to sleep and done one or two things around the house....it's time to start it all over again! Eventually I hope to be back to blogging regularly. Surely we'll get some kind of routine down before too long.