Becoming a Mama

A couple of nights ago Arsen started talking about his New Year's resolutions. He has a couple of great goals that I'm sure he will be successful in sticking to. It got me thinking about what I want for myself for the upcoming year. My mind has been so completely consumed with babybabybaby that I haven't been thinking about me near as much. Coming up with goals that I want to accomplish is actually challenging. I can't think of anything off the top of my head that doesn't involve becoming a mother. I've always heard that once you have children they are pretty much what you live for, and I can definitely see that beginning to happen already. It's amazing to experience the love I have for this little guy that I've never even met, but it's also a bit frightening. I desperately don't want to be one of those women who completely loses themselves in their children.

I was lucky enough to have a mother who was completely and totally devoted to me throughout my childhood. She was a stay at home mom, the one who always went on field trips with our class, brought cupcakes to school for my birthday, drove me to dance class almost every day of the week, and pretty much waited on me hand and foot whenever I wanted or needed anything. She has always been one of my very best friends, and I want to have a similar relationship with my future children. It was so great to know that no matter what was going on in my life that I could go to her with any problems or questions or confessions that I needed to share, and she would never judge me.

But I sometimes wonder if she would do things differently if she had the chance. I know I want to be there for my kids whenever they need me, without a doubt. In my dream world, I would get to stay home and be there for every waking moment they have, every single day. But then it makes me think that eventually I might regret not continuing on with a career. At the moment I don't really have the option to stay home, but I know before too long the opportunity will most likely present itself. I'm sure I'll know the right thing to do at the time...but I want to make sure I'm making the right decision.

It's all so incredibly strange to me, this whole entire process. In the past five years my life has changed so drastically, and I never saw it coming. Right before I met Arsen the last thing on my mind was settling down and getting married. I was actually planning on moving back to Los Angeles in January of 2009 to start back up with the acting thing. My friends always said that I would be the last to get married, and I was more than happy to make that happen. I always joked that I'd probably be married several times, have a few fun Vegas marriages or whatever. I loved going out and having fun, and being in a relationship usually put a damper on that, so I had no interest. And I honestly didn't think I would have children until I was well into my thirties...if ever. Apparently, the universe had other plans for me. I met Arsen in September of 2008, and just a couple of months later I knew that I wasn't going anywhere. I fell hard, and that was it.

So the fact that at 28 I'm living in the suburbs, married and expecting a little boy in a few months...it blows my mind. And makes me laugh. But I know that I'm happier now than I've ever been, and I can't imagine my life any other way. I've always been a bit scared of becoming a mother, since I never really planned on it. I thought I wouldn't know what to do, that I was too selfish, that I wouldn't be good at it. But now that I know that in just a few short months I'll have a child., I feel like what everyone has always said is true. It comes naturally. I'm sure there will be some overwhelming moments and that sometimes I'll feel like I have no clue what I'm doing, but I already have so much love for this little guy that I know everything will work itself out. It's amazing what happens to a woman going through this process, and I'm so glad that I'm getting to experience it for myself.